


Pottercles

by Phnx, RogueMarieL



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Hercules (1997)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-01
Updated: 2012-07-01
Packaged: 2017-11-08 22:49:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/448419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phnx/pseuds/Phnx, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RogueMarieL/pseuds/RogueMarieL
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack Harry Potter/Disney's Hercules fusion.  HPDM.  Rated for T for extreme idiocy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pottercles

**Author's Note:**

> This is, evidently, what happens when two giddy, fic-educated individuals randomly decide to co-produce a fanwork during the early hours of the morning. Yes, it terrifies us, too.

\--

Long ago, in the faraway land of Ancient Greece, there lived a young half-god-half-mortal named Harry Potter. Because of his mixed parentage, he suffered heavy mocking from the mortal village in which he grew up, separated from his parents on Mount Olympus. Miserable and abused, Harry always wondered--without answer--why his heavenly parents completely ignored all of the injustices completed against him. No matter how often he was whacked, laughed at, or locked in communal cupboards, no lightning bolts were rained down upon his enemies.

Desperate and lonely, Harry decided to seek out his holy parents and find out from them the truth as to why they were ignoring him. And so he set off, with only a wand and a cloak to protect him from the harsh weather and dubious-looking wild animals.

A day into his journey, he was already regretting not bringing any food. Squinting ahead, he thought he saw mushrooms in the distance and was so intent on reaching them that he didn’t notice the frayed edge of his cloak and promptly tripped over it. When he opened his eyes at the bottom of the hill, he blinked, dazed, and focused on the mushroom two centimetres from his face. About to devour it without even using his hands, he was stopped by a loud voice. “Oi, mate—I wouldn’t eat those, were I you. They’re halluci—halluco—er…poisonous.”

“Wha—ngh,” said Harry, no longer able to make intelligible speech in his current food-deprived state.

His eloquence astounded his new companion, and they became immediate besties and journeyed forth together to find Harry’s parents.

After several days, the new companion introduced himself as Ronald Weasley, or Ron for short. His purpose in joining the quest, Harry discovered, was to escape his overly-large family, and to do a deed so outrageously crazy that he’d outshine them all. This was his entire purpose in life.

And so they continued forth, one step in front of the other, generally failing to find anything of value, or even to figure out in which direction they were going. Around the time they arrived back at the mushroom hill—they knew it was the right one because Harry had apparently left his cloak there—they decided that they should probably ask for directions.

They eventually found a magical brown bush and decided to ask it how to get to Mount Olympus. 

“O magic bush, show us the way,” they chanted together awkwardly.

The bush was incensed and replied, “Excuse me?! I am not a bush! How dare you? And you should really wash your face, by the way—you’ve got a bit of dirt on your nose.”

“Er… what’re you doing in the ground?” asked Ron, embarrassedly scrubbing at his nose. The bush’s voice had sounded rather like a girl’s.

“I’m trapped—can’t you tell? Are you quite stupid? _Anyway_ , You-Know-Who caught me and buried me here, because I’m not of heavenly descent.”

“You-Know-Who?” asked Harry. “Who’s that?”

The bush and Ron both stared at him, shocked. “You mean to say you don’t know?”

“…No.”

“He’s the god of the underworld, and it’s his evil plan to kill all mortals.”

“…Why?”

“I’m not really sure,” said the bush, “but when he buried me here, he said something about me having muddy blood? I didn’t quite follow, to be honest, though it was clearly related to my being buried in the _dirt_ \--you know, _muddy, dir_ \--”

“Yes, yes, yes, we understood that bit,” said Ron hurriedly.

“Oh, so _now_ you’re clever enough to—”

Several hours later, Harry and Ron thought that maybe they should help the bush out of the ground. Several more hours later, they were facing a dirt-smeared girl of about their age. Her hair still looked like a brown bush, but they’d learned not to comment any further on that. The girl introduced herself as Hermione Granger, and agreed to accompany them on their quest—despite their desperate protests. When it was revealed that she actually knew the location of Mount Olympus, they had to grudgingly accept.

The three’s epic quest continued, and they fought many horrific monsters together, but as no one really cares about any of that silly plot stuff, we’ll skip right on ahead to the bit where Harry meets his One True Love.

The trio had just finished their midday snack when they encountered a manically-laughing masked man in a dark robe. 

“That’s a Death Eater!” exclaimed Hermione. “They were with You-Know-Who when he buried me in the dirt!”

“Er… okay,” said Ron, and was about continue past the so-acclaimed “Death Eater” when he noticed something else about the strange scene. “’Ey, does he have someone with him? It looks like he’s about to throw that blond over the waterfall.”

Harry turned to look as well, as that was when he first laid eyes on his One True Love. For a few moments, his heart stopped, and he just stared in wonder at the shimmering blond hair and perfect form. Then he heard the voice that came with the picture, and immediately changed his mind about the whole One True Love business.

“Let me go, you incompetent plebian!” shouted the OTL, who, despite his victimized situation, was acting as though the only thing he was suffering was poor service at an overpriced diner.

“Oh dear,” said Hermione. “We have to help him!”

Harry and Ron exchanged weary glances and sighed. Together, the three approached the waterfall. Harry and Ron continued to stare blankly, but Hermione waved her wand and rectified the situation immediately—the Death Eater went over the falls, and the blond ended up collapsed at their feet.

Ron scowled. “Why did you even need us to help you?”

“To carry him, of course,” replied Hermione.

Ron and Harry attempted to comply, but, to their mortification, they found themselves unable to lift their new companion from the ground.

Hermione had already gone off to examine a rare plant, and Harry and Ron were too embarrassed to ask her for help.

After a while of silent contemplation, Ron displayed a series of complex and painful facial expressions which suggested an idea forming. “Wait—I think I’ve got a way! My brothers taught me a spell to lighten loads.” He waved his wand.

“ _Sunshine, daisies, jam ‘n’ jelly,  
Make this stupid prat less heavy_.”

The two tried to lift him one more, but only managed to raise him three feet in the air before they dropped him back onto the ground, panting.

Thankfully, the sharp jolt woke the git up, and due to his newly conscious state, Harry and Ron decided he could walk for himself.

The journey continued, with Harry and Draco—the OTL blond—fighting so constantly that even Ron began to get irritated with them.

Harry was secretly depressed that Draco seemed to dislike him so intensely, as Harry’s feelings of admiration had only grown since meeting the blond.

Little did he know, Draco felt the same way. However, Draco was also bound by an evil contract which he had made with You-Know-Who to protect his parents from the evil god’s ire. He was supposed to be leading Harry and his companions to their death, but now that he had met the trio, he was starting to have second thoughts.

Finally, the now-quartet reached the foot of Mount Olympus.

“Right,” said Harry. “So how were we going to get up there again?”

Draco rolled his eyes dramatically. “ _Honestly_ , don’t you know anything? We’ll just fly up on brooms.”

“F-fly?” asked Hermione, for once looking distressed.

“Where’re we supposed to get brooms from?” snapped Ron, angry because he hadn’t thought of using brooms first.

“As I am a _pure-blooded_ god, I, of course, have one in my state-of-the-art carrying case, which I keep miniaturized in my pocket. But there’s only the one, and it can’t possibly carry all of us. Since it’s _my_ broom, I’ll fly it up. I should be able to take one other person on there with me, and as this whole trip’s purpose was to get Harry to the top of the mountain, I guess that’ll have to be him, won’t it?”

“You expect us to just stand here and wait for you?” asked Ron. “How do we know you won’t be leading Harry off to his Death-Eater-served doom?”

This had been exactly Draco’s intention, but he just smirked and said, “Don’t you trust me?”

“No,” replied Harry, and promptly hopped into the broom with Draco. “But let’s go anyway.”

The two flew off, and as Draco navigated his way toward the meeting place with the Death Eaters, he suddenly had a plan. “So,” he said, “if I promise not to force you into a situation of certain death, will you help me rescue my parents, and, said parents being rescued, then proceed to make passionate love behind that rock over there?”

Harry considered briefly, and then agreed. After completing said deeds, they ended their detour and continued up the mountain, where they finally met Harry’s parents.

Harry’s parents explained to him that because James Potter, his father, had participated in so many pranks, neither he nor Lily Potter, Harry’s mother, were allowed to smite random mortals, even if said mortals were abusing Harry. Significantly cheered at both this knowledge and the awesome sex he’d just had, he got their owling address and began to make his way home, promising to write twice a week.

Harry, Draco, Ron, and Hermione all purchased a large house and moved in together. They had many long, angry arguments, but were nevertheless happy.


End file.
